Loneliness

Loneliness is something that will eat you alive.
Too much thought. Too much thinking.
Opted to walk away. But then was on hold.
I am just being too stupid. Seriously.
Starting to hate myself for all the torture that i put myself in.
Why.i.need.to.go.through.all.this.why

You are asking for some attention.
Why none of your friend can get it?
Nobody cares

MIA

I have been mia for such a long time from my blog. I was july 2015 i last blogged. Seem like i have moved on from blogging. But when i am sad i still feel like blog it.
I dont know why i am emo for this 2 days. Maybe pms. Maybe its because of ortho posting.

Ppl keep saying how great about ortho when they were there. But i dont feel so.

Off on saturday seem like a bad choice. Maybe i am use to not having weekends. Feel lonely.

Ya... i guess this is how much i wanted to blog about. There are a lot things that can't be told. Wish that there is someone that can understand me like how i understand myself.

today has been such a dark day

I just get to know that my grandma has just passed away......
Was on Skype 2 hours ago and mom says she and my dad might be going back to Sitiawan next week to visit her... Yet things happened.

I have no regret at all. At least I spend time and had a great time with her for past 2 years.

During last CNY, we roughly celebrate at all as she suffered from dementia. Then later found out that she suffered from ovarian cancer as she has sudden loss of weight.

Has been staying with her during my Pediatrics posting in Hospital Manjung for 4 months. Wasn't easy to stay with an elderly but I have make it. I have tried my best to be the best grandchild. I will bring her anywhere she wanted to go. I would say I treat her better than her child treated her. I am grateful that I went back to celebrate CNY with her every year, unlike some of her children.

The last time I saw her was during my 3 weeks holidays, roughly a month ago. My parents wanted to go back Sitiawan so I offer myself to drive them back. She was bedridden but she still recognise me. Sometime getting better, sometime worst.

In another way, I hope she go in peace with no suffer, especially having cancer at old age is just so suffering.
有时就是解脱。


And with the incidence of MH 370 flight, may everyone be safe.

Reflection

现在的孩子，真败家。

Was in Adidas shop today as my brother wanted to buy a sport shoes. Here came a father and a teenage son. The son was asking to buy an ipod thingy which cost around RM 100+ and the father was saying 'i don't have money!'. It was quite loud and my mom and I turn unintentionally and I think the father was embarrassed. I regretted that I turn and see.

At last, the teenager get what he wanted. I did not see his father anywhere nearby... How come a child can't understand their parents bitterness?  I will be so sad to be the father.

Well, the same thing happened to my brother as well. He wanted to buy a sport shoes and I tell him find a shoes that not more than RM 200. There are sales everywhere and you can easily get a sport shoes under Adidas or Nike just less than RM 200. But after looking around, he wants some shoes that is much more expensive. So I tell him either get it or leave it.

Then he started make sour face. Then my mom came and help him to find. I told my mom, just give him RM 250 and let him buy himself. If it exceed the budget then he just has to pay himself.

End up he got an Adidas worth RM 360! Wtf. Just because of his sour face? Seriously I was pissed... Like for 5 minutes. Mom was complaining how he spend but end up letting him spent as he like... How to teach if my mom behaving like that. I can't say anything because she is my mom and she got her own way of teaching. But if I were her, I will just give the amount that I think is appropriate and you just have to pay yourself if it exceed the budget. Seriously, you can just get a Bata sport shoes instead!

Teenager nowadays is so branded minded! I seriously was really afraid of these kind of people. My brother was asking for a Macbook Air, Ipad, new phone. Some times I just feel like give a slap on his face. How come he can't empathy my parents?

I am brand minded as well but I know I am not working and I do not earn any money yet so I don't ask for luxury things from my parents! If I want to buy something, I will pay with my savings. I bought my own phone when I work part time. If I want bags or cosmetics or skin care, I use my own saving money as well. I don't really ask extra money for things I want... I won an Ipad. If not, I never thought of owning one at all! I have all the money for beautybox is because I get monthly incentive from Themalaysiastreet.

Everytime I see these things, I'll reflect on myself and remind myself not to be someone like them. Can't they see the living cost is rising and parents are barely trying very hard to support a family, support their child to college or university, trying to pay insurance. Ending up how much they can save for a month to backup for emergencies like illness or accident?


Seriously, please, think! Be wise! Be understanding.


Sometimes I hate myself for being so understanding. Why can't I be 败家 as well?

emo

yes, i am emo now. maybe its the weather because it rains or maybe its because i haven't been home for 2 weeks, well, less than 2 weeks.
mom phone me this afternoon and says my grandpa admitted into hospital due to TB. they are rushing back to Perak to visit him.

why the hell so many down recently? just because life has ups and downs so it must just go down? damn it!

pro exam in less than 3 months and i keep avoiding and escaping from reality... i just don't do well when i am stress. trying to forget everything...

life, why can't you be easier?

Something good

Even though I had accident during my birthday, quite a bad luck for the past few weeks, I still have good things happened around me!


First, even though I had an accident during my birthday, I still have my family member around and be with me. I think that's the most important things for me. My mom purposely go and bought a cake for me, which actually her favorite cake a day before! hahaha! She also cook a bowl of mee sua and 2 eggs as chinese tradition that we have to eat that on birthday as a prosperity and longevity. Then, we had dinner with my uncle who has the same birth date as me.










Thank you so much to my mother and godmother who gave me angpau and my godmother who purposely bought a dress from Singapore for me! Didn't put make up at all for all the photo I took that day after the shit accident but I actually look great! Maybe because it's full of love!







Second, my best friend, Likthing has purposely organise a small belated birthday celebration for me with her family. We suppose to celebrate it during my birthday that day but I wanted to go back Melaka instead. So during the next weekend after my birthday, she is back to Melaka and ask me go over her house for steamboat with her mom and her boyfriend. I knew she wanted to make it as my birthday celebration but I didn't expect she actually bought a cake for me, sang me a birthday song and ask me to make a wish before blowing the candle. I was quite surprise and I am really appreciate it.

















Lastly, I take part in http://www.street-love.net/ giveaway and I actually won the prize! I decided to collect the prize from Fiona, the blogger of Streetlove in person, instead of asking her to post it to me because I remember once she says that she like active reader and not follow her blog just for giveaway. I love her honestly when she review a product and not bias when she review a sponsored product.


I was actually all the way from Melaka and I am worry if I will be late from the time I promise to reach at her place. Luckily everything went smoothly as I am able to take my repaired car in time. I was quite nervous on the way meeting her. Because she is a beauty blogger and this is the first time I meet her in person! I think she read my blog that's why she knows about my accident. She is so caring and kind as she actually ask about me and the condition of my car. I was really careless cause I forgot to take a picture together with her! She is so kind to me as she added something extra for my birthday!! Even thought it is a little thing but the meaning is so great! I appreciate it very much. Such a great pleasure to meet her in person!







My life wasn't that bad at all! Think positive, be positive. Something good......

This September

I used to love September but this year I really doubted it. Maybe because I didn't update my facebook status 'wake me up when September ends'. That's why I'm in hell.

On 1st September, I received a call from my house owner saying that she wants us to move out by the end of September. Our contract suppose to end next year June-July. Suddenly she ask us to move out because she was chased out by her tenant. wtf. So she suppose to chase us out like her tenant did to her?

So my housemate and I started to search for house around the area. Searching a house is totally a piece of shit. So many problem in between and currently I am not in a good relationship with one of the housemate. I guess the feeling just build up gradually and even though we are still in talking term, but we are quite sensitive in each other and sometimes do magnified everything little mistake we did.

I thought it will be good on my birthday but guess what? It's a total nightmare! Most unexpected thing happened! I get into an accident!! Who says you can't have bad things happened in your birthday? Well, not I bang into people but is people bang onto my car! wtf! Wanted to settle on the scene but the driver refuse. He wanted to report police so well, fine, go on. I am confident that I am right and if he reported as a police case, I will definitely claim his car insurance for repair!

Wasted 2 hours in the police station. Not that the police is insufficiency, they are quite kind in helping us. Is just that the accident is quite a minor one. So the police officer advise us to settle ourselves instead of report it. I say I am fine with that but the other driver wanted to make a police report so I can't do much. I can obviously see they are trying to help the other driver because surely he is wrong and they are the same race. I am totally fine with that.

But the driver called his dad, bla bla bla, my dad only asked RM 100 from him for the repair and call it off instead of making a report because the driver is a handicape. The driver insist he don't have money and want to make a report even the police says he will get a summons of RM 300.

Wasted whole day there and everything is settled around 7.30pm. Only then we went for dinner as my uncle having the same birthday as me and he would like to treat us dinner. Not really in the mood of celebration but the food is nice though.

Currently, 3 weeks later. I found a new house with my housemates. Bigger and better place compare to the old house. Better tenant as well. I'm going to freaking claim the guy insurance! Prepared all the documents needed and send my car for repair yesterday. So now I am well and healthy. I am still alive. I guess that's what really matter.

烦恼

哭，是不能解决问题的。可是偏偏就是没办法再忍下去。
压力很大，不知道要跟谁说。
刚才跟妈妈通话时，差一点给予要跟妈妈说有关租房子的事。可是话到嘴边，眼泪又不知不觉地掉。我不想然妈妈知道，所以就什么都没说，强忍着泪。
我不知道这是什么考验。屋主突然间打电话说他要回他的房子，现我们要在两个星期内搬出。应该它的屋主要回屋子，所以就拿我们开刀。
怎样在一个月里找到另一个房子？还有一月就要靠大考，压力真的很大。一天到晚忙到要命下午才回到家，然后还要找房子，我已经快透不过气了。
我要怎样搬家？为什么我需要为这种费事而烦恼！

感受

原本应该开开心心的，难得回到马六甲自己的家。可是就是有一些事，有一些人让我很失望。
有时想，可能是我自己的问题。看起来别人都没有意见，没有问题，就只有我会出声。一直都觉得我不再属于那个圈子里面。打的字好像没人看到，说的话好像没人听到，劝告也不会有人管。
好像再也没有共同点了。
也许是时候考虑一下，检讨自己，放下，不计较。

Michael Jackson

“In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.”
― Michael Jackson


He had gone for 4 years! Remembered that I did post about his pass away... It has been 4 years! Time passed so fast yet so slow right....

I kinda miss him...

第六感

有时我会恨不得我的第六感可不可以不要那么强。
人家有一点暗示，即使是一个眼神，我就开始闪得远远地。
傻里傻气，不知不觉，不是跟好吗？

life is fragile

I was driving to HKL this morning for my ward work in psychiatry ward and along the MEX highway I received a call. That number wasn't in my saved in my contact so I don't know who called me. I still answered it. I was still grumpy from waking up in the morning and the voice from the other side says: hello Melissa, I am Nicholas. I guess I have hearing problem and I heard it sound: hello Melissa, I am Lucas. So I asked: Lucas? He says: Yes. Are you free to talk. So I totally don't know this 'Lucas' and was grumpy so I answered " I am driving!". Then he says its ok he will call me later.

Just right after we reached and parked in the parking, my phone ring again and I answered the phone. Then only I realize is Nicholas instead of Lucas and he says likthing father just passed away yesterday night. I asked: "likthing? likthing's father?" I was in shocked. I totally don't know how to respond cause I never see this coming. So he told me Likthing father passed away yesterday night and now likthing and him already go back to Melaka to arrange everything. I was totally shocked and I don't know how to respond. I forgotten what I asked and even forgot to ask how it happened, why etc.

My hands were shaking. Whole body is shaking. I just can't imagine the fact that likthing's father passed away. So I phone Likthing, the call was answered but no sound from the other side. So I hand up thought that maybe she just don't want people to disturb her. Then she phone me back, was crying. We talked for a while, then she asked me 怎么办？ meaning how. I was stunned and I don't know how to answer the question. I says I don't know how to answer her, she only can accept the truth. She is still at the mortuary when we were talking, waiting the hospital to release the body. I wasn't dare to ask how her father passed away in the accident.

Luckily her boyfriend is with her. I can't imagine how she can go through this by herself. I keep putting myself in her shoes. I can't accept it when I heard the news what else for her. I just tried my best to comfort her and give her condolences. Phone her a few times to check on her, make sure she gets enough rest and have her meals. Other than that, I don't know what else I can do.

It is hard to care without giving pressure. Maybe she needs somebody to talk to. Maybe she wants to be alone. Too many people flooding calls and messages to her wasn't a good thing too. I just want to make sure she is fine and able to face it. yet keep asking her to be strong for her family is not good either. Maybe she just need a cry instead of being too strong.

Later at night I saw the news on online newspaper. A photo and article about the incidence. Only then I realize how hard is the truth. As usual her father and mother were going back after working at the restaurant, her father was on bike and her mother was driving a car. But her father was hit by the car on the way back home and her mother witness the whole incidence. I can't imagine that!!!

I meet her father so many times. He was so friendly and kind hearted. Always have smile on his face. He will be missed!

I really hope that I can stay by her side now. I am stuck in my studies and I can't go back until Friday, or maybe the earliest is Thursday. I really hope she can be fine, but how to be fine when this happened to you? Friday please come soon!

Life is so fragile. No matter how many times we faced death, we will never ever able to accept it.

little thing

something strike me today so I decide to write it down, something that I would like to remember and recall it.
sometimes, people will appreciate a little thing you do.

as usual, since I'm in psychiatry ward now, I was in hkl today doing my ward work. today my group was assigned to occupational therapy department and attached there. there was this little girl, well, she is not that little anymore as she is 20 years old this year but her mental state is still in 5 years old. she is so eccentric and act like a child. sometime I don't know I should laugh or feel sad for her, but mostly we well laugh at her act, as she being funny. Colouring and doing ABCs.

Wana, one of my groupmate suddenly asked if that little like me when we were reading case file, cause the little girl keep looking at me. But I don't think so cause she keep looking at anyone. she is being curious to anything around her. Then I sit beside her cause I was want to see what she's doing. Then she keep look at me and suddenly she hold my hand. Just a gentle holding. I was quite shock but I just smile at her. So Wana says: see, she likes you! I just smile back and when we were leaving, I went to her to say bye bye and she hold my hand and hug it and don't want to let go. this really touched me. even though her mental state is at 5 years old but she makes me feel warm. her hands are warm and her heart is warm too. if mentally disable people can should such a kindness and warm to us, why we can't do so.

then we were waiting the lift. well, I quite hate the lift in HKL building cause its not strategy at all. narrow and small yet so many people in HKL. everyone is like rush for the lift. then when I got into the lift, I pressed the open button, because in Malaysia, you will never ever see a person hold a lift for you, like NEVER. and I freaking hate people doing do, being the first got into the lift but stand at the corner and don't press hold button to prevent the door from closing before the next people come in.

so there were this parents and a kid on the wheelchair. everyone were going into the lift. I pressed the open button and wait for them to come in because they were the last. After the mother and the kid came into the lift, the father is still outside, the lift was quite packed so I tell him there are some space, he still can come in. he says its ok because he need to take the medication at the pharmacy. So after the door closed I ask the mother which floor she need to go so that I can help her press the button. she says she need to go to 1st floor same like us. in Malaysia you hardly see people offer and ask you which floor to go and help you press even they are blocking the button.

after we reach the first floor, everyone going out so I pressed the open button to let everyone out cause again, it is a rare case for people here to help you hold the lift. then a middle age lady from back of the lift on the way going out suddenly smile and say this to me: thank you for your good deeds for the day! I was stunt and I only able to respond her with 'you're welcome!' while she already far away. well, I never expect people say this to me though. mostly people might say welcome but that's rare. and suddenly this lady says like that to me, I am touched! I was wearing my doctor coat too so I guess at least I am giving impression that not all doctor are arrogant or no feel it etc.

this prove that there will always be someone who see the good things you did. just a little thing and little act, there will be a person who appreciated it, and even there will no return, I will still do it.


Good deeds are spontaneous acts of kindness, accommodation, generosity, benevolence, charity, assistance, help, sympathy or aid, all performed with the simple intention of being helpful and no expectation for compensation of any kind.

life is suffering

doctor definitely didn't cure patient's suffering. they just trying to reduce their suffer. yet life is suffering. seeing so many patients suffer, unwillingly. i am not sure if psychiatry patients aware their behavior or not but i am sure they didn't want to choose this path. so sad seeing them in the ward. 佛说，人生来时受苦的。sometimes, i choose not to see.

sad

one word to describe the feeling i'm having now- sad.

alone

i think i have loss a lot of friends... even though i don't have many friends. but seem like it getting lesser.
feel left out. feel like i never been in their life.
the friends that i have now can count finish within fingers in both hands.
even don't know who to turn to when i have problems or things to express. as in nobody understand.
life is like so hard. everyone's struggling. when only i can find a friend that always have me inside their heart?
i am so stress with my exam in 1 week time yet who to turn to? no one understand. everyone have their own life.
maybe i am too dependent after having people surround around me.
no true friend in college life. old friends is like being stronger within their own group and i am the left out/ leftover. no point of me being there. is like no different if i am there or not.
always plan things without me. if i am in or not never mind. but if one of them is not in then the plan will not work.
sigh... life?

we come alone in this world, go alone from this world. seem like that also including being alone in this world...

motivated

have such a surprise from Dr Siti when she look up to me and say: Melissa, you have mature a lot since year 1!
i was like: what??
she says she sees me mature a lot since last time.
i am really pleased Dr Siti says that to me. Really made my day. Never will have people really see through me and today, she did it.

so... i will work really hard for the exam in next 2 weeks!!!

motivation just kicks in!

GP attachment

Last week has been a great week for me. I was required to find a GP to attach at his clinic. At first I was thinking about my dad, the lecturer agrees but last minute she says I can't attach with my father because it is unprofessional.

I have to really think her for not letting me attach with my dad, if not I will not be able to know such a great teacher. I attached with Dr Wong, which is also my father's friend. My dad gave me 2 names of the doctors and ask me to choose myself. I have no idea why I choose Dr Wong. Barely fate I guess.

On Monday I went to his clinic quite early, but he just came in at around 10 am. However, he really taught me a lot. He also use Murtagh with is also our reference for this Family Medicine posting. I was quite surprise actually. Everyday I will have homework to do, things I need to read up. Of course, from the cases I saw from his clinic and some basic things. Luckily I am quite hardworking that particular week. If not I will embarrassed myself if I can't answer some simple question that he asked.

I think we both get into each other very well. Its more like a father daughter thing. He is a great mentor and teacher and I do admire him. There are thought that people my age or people around me will not have. I have learn a lot during the attachment as well. How he approach his patients and how he did patient education. How the patients tell him their personal problems and how he is able to dig up stuff that people want to hide. It has been so fun and interesting.

He actually inspired me and I don't feel hard to study during the attachment, like I am not forced to study. Other than study, we also discussed a lot of other things like politics, religion and family.

He does not have any children of himself but he adopted 5 children, regardless of race or religion. His 2 youngest son is Indian yet he love them so much like his own son. He is a devoted Christian and he respect people believes as well. Every religion teach people good things. I always remember him saying 'one man women and one women men'. Meaning he is the man who only have 1 women which is his own wife.

He has less patient nowadays because he is into politics and he told me how he got involved with it. We have the same point of view about the politics. I believe he will be a good leader.

Thank you very much Dr Wong!

A medical doctor.

An activist for the poor and oppressed.

A patriot fighting to save the country from going bankrupt.

A father adopting many children.

A man who unlocks God from church.

A man who walks with God.

When one sees his imperfection, one sees God's perfection.

adopted from my father- Stanley Ting

timing.alone

i might be too sensitive over little matter but i really hope my good friends don't treat me that way.
my world is really small enough to have just a few permanent friends around and i really afraid and worry of losing anyone anymore. yet not everyone understand me.
i understand that due to my study and work, i might not have time to spent with them, thus making me reject and decline in some of their invitation in their life. seem like few times later, they don't even bother to invite me anymore.
its kinda of disappointed when feel left out. so close yet so far. when i suggested some activities, they will give sort of reasons. then later i'll find out they are doing the activities i suggested before.
timing problem? so when i suggested its not the right time. but later, its the right time for them but not for me.
so... when is the right timing?

i predicted that in the end i will be all alone, again. ya... so get prepare now.

GP posting

i am currently in GP posting in Melaka during the week of 2 public holiday. thank goodness I am able to do it at my hometown. well, it wasn't easy at all. so much of up and down 1 week before this. i wish i don't need to mention but i want to.

bitch A is trying to please a professional and then keep changing her face between me and Pro. so end up the professional acting not so professional and start the blaming game even before finding out the truth. finally she realize its just an misunderstanding yet my name and reputation is affected. what a bitch and a unprofessional professional.


I started my GP posting today at Dr Wong's clinic, one of my dad's friend. i wanted to do the attachment with my dad but they say its unprofessional to do with your own family member. week 1 they say its better to do with family, week 2 they say its unprofessional. well, no comment.

I find it really interesting to attach with Dr Wong. He is quite up to date and he also use the same book we are using in family medicine. I can see his office is paste up with PROMPT and also he use SNAP in patient education. I was very surprise to see that because I always think that GPs will have their own way of doing their things. But Dr Wong is following the current trend and recommendation, which help me learn a lot from him.

This is only the first day and my brain is already full of things. Wanted to study yet so lazy. I just study some of it. I wish I am more hardworking but I am not. I am just who I am.


Bitch will always be bitch. my friend ask why don't i confront her. if she was me she will already slap onto her face. well, i don't even went to pollute my hand with her face. just like what i wrote in my fb status. what an asshole face fullstop!