回忆里。in the memory

10月17日，星期五，考试完后我就回到马六甲。
傍晚到外公的丧礼祭拜。
不知道当天我落了多少的眼泪。
当每个人的心情已经平静了，我才要开始起伏不定。
回忆起十三年前外婆去世的那一天，我也是经历一样的感觉。
虽然当时的我只有7岁，那感觉好像昨天才发生。
October 17th, Friday, I went back to Malacca right after my exam.
Evening, I went to my grandpa funeral.
I don’t know how many tears I dropped that day.
Most of them already in normal state, and I just started to be emotional.
I experience the same feeling 13 years before, when my grandmother pass away.
Although I was 7 years old, but it feels like just happened yesterday.


我看了外公的遗容，他的脸好像在微笑着。
是不是解放了，轻松了，所以微笑了？
I saw my grandpa body, his face was like smiling.
It’s that he let go everything, feeling relief, and then he smile?


我反复看了很多次，害怕我会回忘了他的容貌。
I see it again and again, I’m scared that I will forget how he look like.


星期六早上发生了一些不愉快的事。
明明前一晚妈妈已经说好明早我们一起去外公家。
可是 早上妈妈不但没有叫醒我，还独自和弟弟去了外公家。
感觉我是被遗忘、被遗弃的。
我知道是我想太多了，可是我不想错过当天的葬礼。
Saturday morning something unpleasant happened.
The night before my mom says we will go to grandpa house together.
But that morning, my mom didn’t wake me up, and she went there with my brother.
Feel that I was being forgotten, being left behind.
I know I think too much, but I just don’t want to miss a thing in the funeral.


妈妈的用意是要我做爸爸的车去，可是爸爸还没睡醒。
我不明白的是为什么就不能让我跟她一起去。
当时 气得哭了，也伤心地哭了。
My mom wants me to follow my dad, but he was sleeping.
I don’t understand why she just can’t let me go with her.
I cried of anger, and cried of sad.


最后我宁愿自己驾车上去。



十点多礼仪开始，师傅念经，我们祭拜。
过后打开棺木，把干冰拿掉。
打开棺木时，每个人都好像崩溃了，每个人都哭得很凄惨。
At last, I rather drove there myself.
The prayer started around 10am, the Master started the prayer.
Then they open the coffin, and took out the dry ice.
When the coffin was opened, everyone was crying so badly.


师傅开始一边把金纸放入棺木里，一边吩咐外公放心得走。
我们一边哭泣，一边走到棺木旁看外公最后一眼。
The Master put in the paper money, and tells my grandpa to leave peacefully.
All of us was crying so badly, and walk beside the coffin to see grandpa one last time.


棺木被抬到屋外时，我们每个人都不可看。
棺木摆好后，又继续一连串的礼仪仪式。
When the coffin was taken outside of the house, we are not allowed to watch it.
After the coffin was put in front the house, prayers begin.


当时正下着雨，天空灰灰的。
就像我们的眼泪，我们的心情。
It was raining, and the sky is grey.
Just like our tears, just like our feeling.


中午十二点多，棺木被抬上车。
每个人有在这个时候痛哭。
家里最年长的那个就一直吩咐我们够了，让外公放心得走吧！
In the noon, the coffin was out into the van.
Each of us was crying and crying.
And the eldest in the family tell us to control our sadness, let grandpa leave peacefully.


大雨变成毛毛雨，心情慢慢平复。
Rains begin to become drizzling, and our emotion is under control.


到了山上，师傅不准我们回头看棺木下土。
要我们祭拜后，手握一把泥土丢在棺木上，头也不回的走下山。
原本平静了的心情，看到外公的棺木在地下，眼泪不自觉地掉下来。
On the mountain, the Master doesn’t allow us to see the coffin was put into the earth.
After prayers, each of us hold a handful of sand, throw upon the coffin, and walk down the mountain without turn back.
The emotion which was under control back to uncontrollable when I saw my grandpa coffin was in there, my tears just falls.


心想：躺在里面那个人是我的外公，再也不会见到他了…
In my heart: the one that lying inside was my grandpa, and I will never see him again…


回到家还要祭拜，然后把那些要给外公的东西都烧给他。
祭拜后，丧礼总算结束了。
休息的休息，大扫的大扫。
We still need to pray after we were home, then burn everything that we need to burn to grandpa.
After all the prayers, that was the end of the funeral.
Some people having some rest and some people were cleaning the house.


晚上有开桌，我并不知道丧礼后要开桌的意思。
开了十五桌，全部亲戚都到齐了。
We were having grand dinner in the house; I don’t really understand the meaning of having grand dinner after the funeral.
They opened 15 tables for the entire guess, mostly our relatives.


晚餐后，妈妈全部的兄弟姐妹都聚在屋外。
我和几个 年长一点的表哥表姐也坐在那里。
大人们都在聊天，不知不觉聊起外公以前做过的事。
很多都是有趣的事，大家都一边说一边笑。
他们也说外公以前最疼得孩子是谁。
他们也说，虽然外公很严格，可是不会重男轻女。
他不曾打过他的女儿，反而是儿子常常被罚。
还有外公常常带他的孙子孙女倒咖啡店去喝咖啡。
After dinner, brothers and sisters of my mom were sitting in front of the house.
I and some of the elder cousin were sitting there too.
They were chit-chatting, and we talk about what grandpa did when he was young.
Most of it was interesting, each of us talk and laugh.
They said which my grandpa favorite child was.
They also said that even though my grandpa was very strict, but he treats his children equally, no matter girls or boys.
And my grandpa always brings his grandchild to coffee shop for coffee.


我也有着一段的记忆。
记得小时候要是有机会回到外公家，外公一定会带我到附近的咖啡店去喝咖啡。
也许我现在喜欢喝咖啡是这样由来的。
外公会带我骑着他的摩多，然后抱我坐在长椅上。
他每次都会把咖啡放在咖啡碟，慢慢吹着，冷了才会让我喝。
原来我和外公有那么一段很美好的回忆。
I also have this part of memory.
When I was very young, whenever I have the chance to go back grandpa house, he will always brings me to coffee shop for coffee.
Maybe this is why I like coffee now.
He will bring me using his motorbike, and then he will carry me to the long chair in the coffee shop.
Every time he will pour some of the coffee onto the coffee plate, and then blow it, until the coffee was cool down only he will let me drink.
Eventually, I have this beautiful memory with my grandpa.


大家在厅外有说有笑的谈天，好像什么事都没发生过。
好像外公还在。
可以看到大家在有说有笑的当时，眼眶有泪。
Everyone was talking in front of the house, seem like nothing ever happened.
Seem like grandpa still there.
But when everyone was laughing, there were tears in the eyes too.


死亡，每个人都要面对的。
只是一个人的离去，对这个世界并不会有很大的影响。
就像我们可以在厅外有说有笑。
好像所有的事都不曾发生。
好像外公还有在。
外公是不在了，可是他会永远的在我心里。
Death, every single people have to face it.
When someone passes away, it does not affect this world at all.
Just like all of us was sitting in front of the house, talk about the past.
Seems like nothing ever happened.
Seems like grandpa was still there.
Grandpa was not here anymore, but he will always be in my heart.



外公的遗容是微笑的，他一定能安息，他一定会在另一个世界好好过的。
His face smiles, he will leave peacefully, he will live very good in the other world.

生活的意义。meaning of life

在我出发去赛城之前收到外公的死讯。
可是我还是回到赛城，因为有上课。
我想我妈也不会要我忽略我的学业。
一路上，心情很低落。
right before i went back to cyberjaya i get the death news of my grandfather.
but i still go back to cyberjaya, as i got class.
i know that my mom will not also let this to affect my studies.
i am so down along the way back.


上个星期五回到马六甲就马上去医院看我外公。
妈妈说外公一度停止心跳。
星期六晚上，妈妈的兄妹决定把外公带回外公家。
让他在他自己的家渡过最后的人生。
last friday i went back to malacca to visit my grandfather.
my mom says my grandfather heart beat stopped once.
on saturday night, siblings of my mom decided to bring my grandfather back to his own house.


每一次看到外公都会控制不住自己的情绪，泪如雨下。
every time i see my grandfather, i will not be able to control my feelings, and tears fall.


星期天妈妈叫我们去外公家，见见最后一面。
看到外公，有忍不住流泪。
走到他床边叫他，可是他并没有应我。
时不时睁开眼睛，一直看天花板上面。
我不知道他看到什么，很想知道。
很害怕那一刻会到来。
不知道我可不可以忍受在我眼前失去生命。
on sunday my mom call me go back and see my grandfather for the last time.
my tears just flow when i saw him.
i went to his bedside and called him, but he didn't respond to me.
he open his eyes once a while, but just keep looking on the celling.
i don't know what he is looking at, want to know so much.
i am so scared of that moment.
i don't know will i be able to see someone just pass away in front of me.


外公的子女全部赶得及回来见最后一面。
每个人叫他放心得走。
听了真的很难受。
那时我真的崩溃了。
all of my grandfather children is able to come back and see the one last time.
everyone is calling him to leave peacefully.
that was to sad.
i totally can't control my feeling that time.


到最后，我没有看到外公呼最后一口气。
我想我会很难接受。
at last, i didn't see my grandfather breath out the last breath.
i think i will feel very suffering.


还以为我回没有机会到我外公的丧礼。
他们把丧礼办到这个星期六。
就为了让我能够参加外公的丧礼。
毕竟我是外家长孙。
i thought i will not be able to attend my grandfather funeral.
then my relative decide to make the funeral until this saturday.
to let me attend his funeral.


要是到最后人会死，那又为何要活在这个世界上？
要是吃食物后又会拉粪，那又为何要吃呢？
if human will die at last, then what's the point to live in this world?
if we had food and the food will come out at feces, what's the point to eat?


我问的问题是一个没有答案的问题。
我很需要一个生活的意义。
the question i asked is a no answer question.
i need a meaning of life.

要是到最后人会死，那又为何要活在这个世界上？if human will die at last, then what's the point to live in this world.

昨天一回到家便去看我的外公。
前几天别送进医院紧急病房，昨天还一度停止心跳。
i went to see my grandpa right after i reach my home yesterday.
a few day before, he was admit into ICU, and his heart was stop once yesterday.


外公之前是好好的。
我不明白为什么外公家那里的人要把他送进院。
有时他会不想吃。
但是要是有点耐心坐在他身边说说话，他会要吃的。
他的年龄都那么大了，九十多岁。
他并不是生什么病，而是老人病。
根本就不需要送进医院。
反而害到他全身是伤。
为了验血、抽血等，令到他的手臂都黑青了。
my grandpa is all right before this.
i don't understand why people in the house want to send him to the hospital.
some times he refuse to eat.
but if you are patient enough to sit beside him and talk to him, he will eat.
he already so old, 90 something.
he didn't ill, just some old people sickness.
don't really need to send in hospital.
that only make bruise to him.
because of blood test and some other test, already made his arm blue-black.

要是他的时间到了，我们要做什么都不行。
不是说残忍或没良心。
要是那样让我的外公受苦，不如让他一走了之不是更好吗？
减少他的痛苦，让他在他最后的人生好好过。
if his time is arrived, we can't do anything.
not say that i am cruel or heartless.
letting my grandpa suffer, why not just let him go?
reduce his suffering, let his leftover life be peaceful.

这样算残忍吗？
is this cruel?

我妈妈为了这件事和她的姐妹有点不愉快。
或许在医院工作的人和别人的想法是不一样的吧！
my mom and her sisters was not so happy because of this different opinion.
maybe people that works in medical field think differently like others.



要是到最后人会死，那又为何要活在这个世界上？
if human will die at last, then what's the point to live in this world.

回到赛城... 。Back to Cyberjaya…

我知道我已经很久没有更新我的部落格了。
放假一个星期很快就过去了。
我还没来得及享受我的假期，又要回到沉闷的赛城。
I know that I have not been updating my blog for quite a long time.
A week of holiday passes so fast.
I not yet enjoy my holiday and I need to go back to Cyberjaya.

放假的前几天和朋友出去走走，过后就一整天在家。
开斋节的那几天都在我爸的诊疗所帮忙。
他的马来工人都放假了，放了四天，我就做了四天。
从星期三到星期六，四天。
剩下星期天那么半天。
每个星期天都过得特别的快。
I went out with my friend and stay at home for the first few days of holiday.
That few days of raya I work for my dad in his clinic.
His malay workers all go for Raya holiday, they holiday for 4 days, and I need to work for 4 days too.
From Wednesday to Saturday.
Left Sunday one last day.
Every Sunday will specially passed very fast.


回去赛城的路上，心里很挣扎。
不知道为什么现在我特别不喜欢回到赛城。
以前的我都不会那么的反抗。
这边的生活太沉闷了。
我并不是很喜欢现在的一切。
Way back to Cyberjaya, I don’t feel really good.
I can’t understand why I don’t like to go back to Cyberjaya anymore.
Last time I don’t have such feeling.
The life over here is too bored.
I don’t really like everything over here anymore.

我想要我的生活很精彩，可是我创造不出我想要的。
I want my life to be very interesting, but I just can’t create as what I want.