Monday, June 20, 2011

i just read something that i've shouldn't have read. and it makes me can't control my tears.
i have no idea how someone can hold a hatred for so long.
i just don't want to get into both of your problem. i don't know who's right and who's wrong. but i am sure both of you are at fault.
i don't want to get to know anything about it, cause i feel so helpless. that i should standby who's side.
why all of this every happened?! why it should happened?
i am not able to conform either of you, cause i am full of torn.
and gets to know i am not the apple of your eye, that breaks my heart into pieces... no matter how hard i tried, i will never be the apple of your eye.
she will also do the same thing as i did. but you never see it. and she will still be the best.
i should have known this since i was young......

i don't need comfort, cause i will heal myself.
sitting in a corner of dark room and cry, and i will heal myself.

Sunday, June 19, 2011







Thursday, June 16, 2011

I want to see you in clinical year!

When I was in the last station for OCSE today, it was Mr. AAA who is the invigilator for the station.
I have to perform upper limb motor sensory examination and I think I was able to do it quite well.

But what I wanted to say is after the exam, Mr. AAA actually ask me go over his place.
So I walk near him and he ask how's my pro-exam, is't ok so far?
I say that I am not very sure about it.
He say: don't worry! OSCE will help you. you did very well! And, I say thank you.
The most important thing is he says: I want to see you in clinical year!!
I was so touched when I heard this!!! It was so encouraging!!!
I say I hope I can go clinical year too!
Then he say: don't worry! you do very well today!

I am very looking forward to learn from him! I really hope I can go to clinical year.

Thank you very much Sir! Your words touched me!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

death sentence

first time ever i feel like crying after walk out from exam hall.
i never have this kind of feeling no matter how bad i did the test before this.
but today is totally different.
and again, those suppose to come out didn't came out!
only came out 2 pots?! the rest is anatomy and microb?! wtf!

i might get another death sentence.
and i start to prepare mentally from now on.

i got 1 extra sticker for my matrix number to stick on the paper.
it ain't suppose to have any extra and i got 1 extra?!!!
which fucking paper i didn't stick my matrix number?!
this never happened before. NEVER!
and it happened today?! wtf?!!! fucking pissed of myself!

can't sleep well, can't eat well, can't even sit well for 3 freaking days! and 1 more day to go!
i really can't handle this kind of shit anymore!

it's time to change my dream?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


i am so tired of everything... i hope it get over very soon.
left 2 more days.

today's paper sucks! i hate emq and sba now!!!
what suppose to come out didn't come out. those aren't suppose to come out jump out in front of my eyes.
so so so tiring. i wish to have 12 hours sleep now... but can't afford it for now.

so tiring of memorizing and memorizing and memorizing.
can i have a photogenic memory?!

Monday, June 13, 2011


when i wake up this morning, i feel so peaceful. its like pass away peacefully that kind of peaceful.
the night before i totally can't sleep. i was nervous, had emotional breakdown.

i am not sure how was the exam, but at least i am more confident now...
a little bit of error here and there, not every answer is accurate... so i don't know what will it be...

1 down, 3 to go!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

pre-exam syndrom

this 2 days my brain is full of what i want to do after my professional exam.
i keep thinking about how will i enjoy my life instead i should be thinking about my notes.
totally have no motivation to study but i need to study.

keep forcing myself to read more and more and more. never scared read too much.
but i just can't control myself.

when i close my eyes my brain start to imagine other than exam.
and i can't sleep yesterday night. i wish i will not have the same problem tonight or else i will be a dead meat tomorrow morning.

please please please! i want everything of this to get over now!!! like right NOW!!!
i just can't bare a second more.
and the result will be on friday and i wish the first sentence our dean will say is "congratulation to all of you, this batch every student pass their professional exam!"
a dream again! fml fffff!

i wanted to scold bad word so much right now! damn!!!
i guess my split personality is coming out!

i wish i have the courage to jump down from 7th floor.
nah just kidding!!

Friday, June 10, 2011


feel so awful now. it's like a lot of stones stacking up in my heart, getting heavier and harder for me to breath from day to day...
maybe it's the haze, maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the stress.

nearly sold off my Jolin's concert tickets. but the buyer just back up in the last message.
i was happily imagine of selling off the tickets and then suddenly there is a voice in my head saying: don't think too much. you will end up not able to sell out the tickets.
after that voice appear, i receive the buyer saying sorry he/she don't want it.
wasted my credit! wasted my time!
why my sixth sense never wrong?! never.

asked my sis to go with me, but i doubt she will.

having exam in 48 hours time i guess. i think i am not well prepared. fml!

wake up this morning telling myself today will be a good day! bullshit!

no more imagination/dream, cause my imagination/dream will never come true. it will only become an opposite situation! damn!

random post with random thoughts! please ignore me...
i'll just get better. it will heal itself. i will heal myself.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Women of God

Woman was created from the rib of man
She was not made from his head to top him
Nor from his feet, to be trampled on.
She was made from his side, to be equal to him
From under his arm to be protected by him
From near his heart to be loved by him.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011










will i feel better if i cry it out?
trying to hold it back but... i just can't describe how i feel...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

moment of life and death

I was woke up by the door bell of my home, look at my phone and it shows 6.30am. I wonder who will come and ring our door bell at this time. I was awake and waiting my mom to respond. Her room door did not open, and the door bell keep on ringing. So I get off from my bed, getting my spec and walk downstair.

Standing in front of my house sliding door, trying to look outside at hard as possible. It was still dark, I can't see anything, nobody it outside the house. I did not think of open my house door. Who knows what's outside my house. I'm trying so hard if I see any familiar face. But no one.

 "Who's pressing my door bell?" asked inside my heart. "Did I heard wrongly?" "Did the door bell even ring?" so many question pop out in my mind. Stand at the sliding door for quite some times. No more door bell ringing, and no one is outside my house. "Why the door bell ring?" "Did it even ring?" "Did I hear something that other people don't, since last time I hear Mario theme song?" So I walk up to my room again, with tonnes of questions in my mind. "Did I really heard wrongly? But it was so clear!"

Just when I stepped into my room, the door bell ring again! I was like: seriously?! wtf!! I ask my sleeping-soundly-sis "Did you hear that?" she answered "yes........" and continue her sleep. Proof that I did not heard anything that aren't suppose to be heard. I walk downstair again.

Standing at the sliding door again trying to search if there is any people. Then I saw a familiar face, she is Simon's maid. So I open the door and asked her what happened. She asked if my dad is awake, I say not yet. She says 'she' can't breath and its breathlessness. I am not very sure who is the 'she' so I thought it was her master's daughter. She has asthma.

I ran upstair and knock my mom's room's door. Mom opened the door and ask what? I ask: Didn't you heard the door bell ringing? She says no. So I told her what happened in short and ask her to wake my dad up. She just answer ok then she close her room door. Then I ask over the door: are you going to wake dad up?  Because she doesn't seem like going to wake him up. The moment she close the door is like she's going bed to sleep again. Her mood changed and say: give us some times to prepare!

Then I went downstair again. The maid is still outside and I ask what happened. She says is another neighbor's wife can't breath. Now only I realize what really happened. My neighbor wife which was having a nerve disease and she was paralyzed. Day by day she loss her motor function, as in she can't walk, then later can't lift her hand, can't move her neck. Day by day it progressed to something worst. Now she is in total paralyzed, not even can swallow her food. So I went up to tell my mom it's actually Aunty L who is having the problem.

My mom was start to mumble and I was annoyed. She was saying we can't help even we were there, we don't have oxygen etc etc. In my heart thinking: people think our house have doctor and nurse and they don't know what to do now. Even we can't help at least you still can help out something right?! Just go and see what happened first! Your sleep is so important?! I just did not say out. These days, I start to keep words that's harsh inside my heart. Better don't say it when you might regret later.

So every neighbor is awake. Simon's dad was standing outside their house, telling the maid to do something. YH's parent were there too. His mom went over to Aunty L house and make phone call to ambulance. My parent went into the house and Aunty L's husband was at his wife bedside. I am not sure what he was doing but I saw their daughter, standing outside the room and look so nervous and helpless. So I went over and comfort her, she was trying very hard to keep her tears back.

I just stand outside the room, since my parent were helping inside. Aunty L was chocked by her phlegm. She can't cough it out so it was stuck and block her breathing. Her husband says her face colour changed. My mom winded up the bed, trying to make her sit up. My dad says there is a lot phlegm inside her lung. Honestly, we really can't do anything. No oxygen in their house and no phlegm sucker to suck the phlegm out. Just trying to make sure that Aunty L is able to breath.

While they were discussing what happened before this, suddenly, I heard Aunty L's husband shouting. I am not sure she's bitting her tongue or what. My mom ran to their kitchen and find a spoon. Her husband was asking her to be strong, shouting "don't give up!", "you can't do this to me!", "be strong!", "oh God, don't let this happened". I feel my heart is so heavy. I actually thought she was killing herself.

Aunty L was in V-fib. Meaning her heart is not contract properly. I don't know what I feel at that moment. It was the moment of life and death. Either she make it or not. And her husband was calling her name, asking her not to do this to him., not to leave him, trying to do CPR to her......

The ambulance arrived. I think it took around half an hour which consider quite fast. The medical assistant went into the room, and they look 'don't know what to do'. So we asked for the troli and asked them to send Aunty L to hospital. I saw her eyes was open, maybe her V-fib is over.

After the ambulance is gone, the neighbors and my parent start discussing. And I walked back home, with lots of thoughts in my mind.

I thought I am brave, but seem like I'm so weak.
I''m getting panic so easily when I shouldn't be.
I'll try to improve myself to be a better me.
God, please, bless each and every family......

Saturday, June 4, 2011


every morning whenever i open my eyes, my mind will start functioning automatically counting down the days to professional exam. then my heart sinked... so deep. i just don't have the urge to study anymore...

it's phobia.

i'm trying the best i can to avoid the fear in my heart and mind. i'm just unable to control everything...

Thursday, June 2, 2011