Thursday, November 13, 2014

Today is a great great day

Having quite a good day today. Clerk 2 patients who got nnj. I am telling myself that i am improving everyday!

1 of the guard told me that I can park near pentadbir parking next time during evening so that i no need walk so far to the parking lot. Well i am just being polite to a person i meet daily especially during orientation week.

Then the guard at the parking lot told me that i can park at the specialist parking floor if there is space next time. I remember he did not let me park that level on my 2nd day of working and i am kinda pissed but then i realize that it is his job for not let me park there. So out of guilt i start to great him whenever i saw him. He is kinda old. Maybe 65-70 y/o and my dont know what concious will start to think that why he need to work in such an old age, so tiring from 7pm to 7am. Arent he suppose retired now bla bla bla. Ya i kinda hate myself of thinking so much of nonsense.

Today was not as busy as yesterday and not as hell as that. Round with the MO Dr C is kinda stress. I tot he is just an ho manatau he is actually senior mo. Yea whatever but i kinda dont like him. Some people you just dont like them without any reason. But most particulary is them being an asshole.

Always believe that tomorrow will be a good day and a brand new day. I am surviving housemanship!! And treat people the way you want them to treat you.

Talk with ho there and ask them about the posting in hosp melaka. They were saying actually peads is very much better compare to other department. I hope that i can survive this posting as well... then survive in other posting next time...

Babies in nursery still making me think that i should not give birth to a life and let them suffer in this world. Keep having the urge to adopt 1 but i know i am being emotional. How possible i take care of them with my current job, which dont have life at all, having to work am shift from 7am to 6pm and pm shift from 730am to 1030pm and this is just only the written shift system. Not even need to mention about oncalls. When a patient is in life threatening situation, do you really think you can leave sharp on time? Maybe you need to go to ot and what so ever and the procedure cause you few hours and we dont even have ot claim. Well... i am not complaining. I am just comparing and telling those who being unfair anf bias to most of the doctors...

I dont know whatsup with my subconcious and responsibility that keep me wake up in the morning and on the go with the life i am having now... saw siang post about him being stressed and those commenter who being in same situation like me actually make me feel much much better. He even took EL to runaway from his job. Wow that really suprise me!! A top student in school doesnt mean he will excel in working life. As what i told my mom that study life and working life is like totally different. Its like we never learn all this and we all statt from zero all over again. Even you are top in class doesnt mean you can function in work....

Getting back my urge to blog again. To record my daily life as a ho without accidentally spilt out the confidentiality of patients... its mostly about my own feeling and how well i psycho my own self and my mind and my split personality. I know i sound really psycho now and i should stop. I do hope that i can understand what am i talking when i read back next time! Till then... goodnight.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Surviving housemenship day 8

Well. Who the hell always ask people to be a doctor?! Who the freaking hell?

Being a doctor and a medical student is totally a different thing. Well, this is just a very personal view of myself.

I am totally like an idiot for pass 8 days. I don't know am I the only one feeling like this or everyone who go through HO felt like this as well.

For the first few days, I dont know how to write a case review. I dont know how to manage a patient. I dont know how to fill in lab forms for investigation. I dont know how to write discharge form or memo or referal letter. Well, even medical school had taught us all this before but its totally 2 different things for working and doing Patient Management Diary!!! I dont know how to run to lab for stat investigation and i dont know how to go to x ray lab for asking stat x ray in ward. I mean i am totally like an idiot.

I dont know where they put those instrument like tubes lines needle bottle this that uncle aunty.

I dont know how to calculate total feeding for peads well thats my fault cause that was taught to us like 5 minutes out of 1 months of class and I cant remember it. I dont know how to calculate the photo level, exchange tranfusion and all the shit for neonatal jaundice. Oh and now management for neonatal hypoglycaemia and this particular station during final pro exam osce fonally make sense now wtf!!

I seriously sound like an idiot. And out of sudden a MO suddenly shouted at me asking me did I know how to prepare for UVC? OF COURSE I SAY I DONT KNOW. Then she started saying: you dont know and you still dont want to learn? If next time i ask you to prepare uvc and you dont know how to prepare i will ask you start tagging back even you already off tag. Errrr... what????? Did I not want to learn? I did learn what to prepare when a few HO is discussing what to prepare and I was away because I went to take a mask because i wanna see they do the procedure!!! Being blame for what I did not do is so unacceptable! I am damn prepare to get scold if I did something wrong but not for things I did not do!!! Such a bitch!

Of course, day 8 now with 2 days off previously, not a good thing though cause i need to work until next friday to get off, which i need to work for next 11 days to get a pathetic 1 day off! Ya back to previous sentence, day 8 now and i finally know how to properly review a patient. Know how to do discharge form and memo and referal and know where the hell is x ray and patho lab, know how to prepare fucking shit procedure. I am sorry that i curse a lot on this post because i seriously need it!

And today! I am damn proud of myself for sucessfully did a sterile procedure, taking blood c&s from a freaking neonate!!! Thank you very much for the HO who helped and supported me. Esp Anu who endlessly being patience with me and teach me so much! She is always being so kind and willingly to teach anything. Then Koo who did not really communicate with me for pass few days, helped me prepare the things for c&s and tell me jia you har. Nearly give up after 1st try but then i tell myself that i should not give up so quickly. So i tried again and i dont know how but i get it! And Mesan who i felt she was arrogant at first is so willing to help me as well. Almost all of the HO are so helpful and being so patience with me. I am not sure if i myself have that level of toleration. They inspired me to become a better person. To be patience to others.

Wanted to cried whole day because of the freaking bitch who scolded me for things i didnt do. And today is like a shit day for me and feel like i am an idiot who dont know anything.

Hopefully someday later when i read back this post, i will feel myself as an idiot who did not know anything as well and i will laugh as such stupidity of me.

And to those who keep saying doctor is glamorous, rich, like to earn ppl money for nothing, such a money minded etc etc etc I will freaking slap their face! As they didnt see how we work like hell, even worst than a slave. No time to pee!!! What more about eat. No time for lunch or dinner! No time to sleep!!

Every morning i have to wake up at 6am and i wonder why i want to wake up as well. Because of the fucking self concious and responsibility in myself that make me sit up, walk into the bathroom and continue the rest of the day. Then work like hell and go through shit and came back at freaking hour like 11pm or 12 midnight and tired like what i dont know how to describe.

Now the cycle is like work-eat-sleep and the cycle repeat. I have no life.

I used to dont like sleep so much as i always will tell myself that wht need to sleep so much? We have so much time to sleep when we are dead so we should enjoy the life we have. well... some of these morning actually make me feel like dying and not wake up anymore because i can sleep like forever... well... thats the depressed part of me. I am actually torn in between... to be good or to be bad... and seeing sick ppl everyday is depressing as well. Seeing all the babies that suffer everday makes me dont feel like giving birth. Why bring them to this life and suffer? Maybe this is the hell we always thought of. We are living in hell and we dont realize it. This is the freaking dark side of me, and my angel will try to balance it back to normal.

I just hope that all this thing will be worth it... i hope i will laugh at myself for being so stupid and childish when i see back this, maybe few months or few years time.

So i need to sleep it off, forget everything and start a brand new day again tomorrow... i wish i can be better than the day before.

Goodnight!