想问天你在哪里...

妈妈刚打电话给我，说刚从葬礼回来。晴朗的天莫名下起雨来。
有点遗憾没有送终，听说不多人。

妈妈说，她以我弟弟为荣！因为他带领他学校的乐队到丧礼演奏，好让葬礼热闹些。
还说，弟弟好像演奏一半时哽咽。弟弟对表弟说，不知道他可不可以吹完一首曲。

到现在我在说有关uncle时，也会哽咽。

雨好大。
想问天你在哪里...

let me be stronger and able to face death

i am unable to attend uncle's funeral tomorrow and kept thinking about it! i am afraid i might regret one day, not seeing him for the one last time. i am so confuse now.

i suppose can go back today after my class canceled, yet i have to fetch my sister tomorrow where she will be back from Krabi and her flight will reach at 4pm. uncle's funeral at 2pm.

i was torn apart from go for the funeral or fetch my sister back. cause its raya soon and there will surely no bus ticket to go back malacca. before this my sister say since she can't attend the funeral, might as well i go. but mom says surely no bus ticket for my sister to go back malacca.

its easier to blame others. i really feel very bad for not going the funeral. mom says its ok. we still can go aunty house when we back malacca. mom had bought flower for us to give to him. my brother band also going to perform tomorrow during the funeral.

i still feel guilty. i really have no idea to overcome it! please... let me be stronger and able to face death. i can't even be sincere with what i do this week. i am emotionally, mentally and physically affected.

may uncle rest in peace. i really miss him.

life is too short to be waste

i just see our photo last week, sorting out which photo i should develop since i have bought the voucher to develop 500 photos. i was very happy and fortunate that we took the photo together. it was such an happy event! all of us smile so happily.

i get to know about the bad news on sunday morning, told by my mom. i started to prepare myself for the worst news. today after class, i saw my cousin status saying he has passed away. It was 11am. so i confirm with my cousin after that.

i phone my babysitter to check on her. she sound fine and ask me to go for the funeral if i can. i say some words to comfort her and at the same time, i am trying very hard to prevent myself for crying. she understand me and stop me from saying more, she just ask me to go for the funeral if i am able to.

its such a pain to let go someone that we know and we will never know if we will ever meet again.
maybe its a release for him, release from all the suffer in this world. i never know that the photo we took that day will be the last one.

i will not have regret as i treat him just like my father,  i didn't speak any harsh word to him and i respect him, i'll talk and visit him when i have time. the only thing i regret is that i should pay them a visit during my last holiday. i wanted to but i didn't.

i remember during my primary school time, he will always bring food for me after school, by bicycle, as we have tuition after that. he never complaint.

may him rest in peace.
we shall always remember the good of him and the happy moment we had.

life is hard

i'm telling myself, i have to appreciate everything in my life, every people, every minute, every second.
life is freaking short... in just a blink of eye, something may disappear, anything may disappear.

woke up this morning by a bad news. why this life have to be so hard?
at this point of age, a lot people start to leave us, especially the person we love, the person which is close to us, people around us. even though we are not that close, yet i still can feel that pain.

if there is god, why he wants to give life, then take it away?
why not just be like that, then nothing ever will happened.
there will be no meeting, knowing then separation...

death is scary. but did we scare because of heaven or hell?
or we are scared of separation?


人之因为害怕死亡，是因为害怕天堂与地狱的存在，还是害怕离别？