Am so proud of myself

I guess its getting better in housemanship. I am getting use to with the life now.

I am so proud of myself as i think i am getting some luck on branula. Finally i am able to set some after 1 months plus of no luck on branula. I set 3 branula straight today on neonate when some senior tried a few time and dont get it. It really need some luck with it. The most success archievement is setting it successfly in front of an senior mo who always the best in setting branula! I was having tremor and she tot i was squeezing the baby hand too hard. I just keep having thr adrenaline rush whenever i successfully set a branula and the hand just unintentionally tremor itself!

And another one is a new senior tagger actually tot i was the mo. This was told by my senior, Anu, the one that taught me a lot since first day of HOship. And she says she is proud of me! And that really satisfiying when i heard that compliment coming out from some one i admire so much.

Still i am still lack of sleep, craving for more off day, craving for good food because nowadays its too busy that i dont even feel like eating even when i am hungry. I eat just to feel up the stomach and prevent to get gastric in future but whatever i eat i just dont really enjoy it.

But a least i have something to hold on, to be stronger and motivated from what i am doing now.

Today is a great great day

Having quite a good day today. Clerk 2 patients who got nnj. I am telling myself that i am improving everyday!

1 of the guard told me that I can park near pentadbir parking next time during evening so that i no need walk so far to the parking lot. Well i am just being polite to a person i meet daily especially during orientation week.

Then the guard at the parking lot told me that i can park at the specialist parking floor if there is space next time. I remember he did not let me park that level on my 2nd day of working and i am kinda pissed but then i realize that it is his job for not let me park there. So out of guilt i start to great him whenever i saw him. He is kinda old. Maybe 65-70 y/o and my dont know what concious will start to think that why he need to work in such an old age, so tiring from 7pm to 7am. Arent he suppose retired now bla bla bla. Ya i kinda hate myself of thinking so much of nonsense.

Today was not as busy as yesterday and not as hell as that. Round with the MO Dr C is kinda stress. I tot he is just an ho manatau he is actually senior mo. Yea whatever but i kinda dont like him. Some people you just dont like them without any reason. But most particulary is them being an asshole.

Always believe that tomorrow will be a good day and a brand new day. I am surviving housemanship!! And treat people the way you want them to treat you.

Talk with ho there and ask them about the posting in hosp melaka. They were saying actually peads is very much better compare to other department. I hope that i can survive this posting as well... then survive in other posting next time...

Babies in nursery still making me think that i should not give birth to a life and let them suffer in this world. Keep having the urge to adopt 1 but i know i am being emotional. How possible i take care of them with my current job, which dont have life at all, having to work am shift from 7am to 6pm and pm shift from 730am to 1030pm and this is just only the written shift system. Not even need to mention about oncalls. When a patient is in life threatening situation, do you really think you can leave sharp on time? Maybe you need to go to ot and what so ever and the procedure cause you few hours and we dont even have ot claim. Well... i am not complaining. I am just comparing and telling those who being unfair anf bias to most of the doctors...

I dont know whatsup with my subconcious and responsibility that keep me wake up in the morning and on the go with the life i am having now... saw siang post about him being stressed and those commenter who being in same situation like me actually make me feel much much better. He even took EL to runaway from his job. Wow that really suprise me!! A top student in school doesnt mean he will excel in working life. As what i told my mom that study life and working life is like totally different. Its like we never learn all this and we all statt from zero all over again. Even you are top in class doesnt mean you can function in work....

Getting back my urge to blog again. To record my daily life as a ho without accidentally spilt out the confidentiality of patients... its mostly about my own feeling and how well i psycho my own self and my mind and my split personality. I know i sound really psycho now and i should stop. I do hope that i can understand what am i talking when i read back next time! Till then... goodnight.

Surviving housemenship day 8

Well. Who the hell always ask people to be a doctor?! Who the freaking hell?

Being a doctor and a medical student is totally a different thing. Well, this is just a very personal view of myself.

I am totally like an idiot for pass 8 days. I don't know am I the only one feeling like this or everyone who go through HO felt like this as well.

For the first few days, I dont know how to write a case review. I dont know how to manage a patient. I dont know how to fill in lab forms for investigation. I dont know how to write discharge form or memo or referal letter. Well, even medical school had taught us all this before but its totally 2 different things for working and doing Patient Management Diary!!! I dont know how to run to lab for stat investigation and i dont know how to go to x ray lab for asking stat x ray in ward. I mean i am totally like an idiot.

I dont know where they put those instrument like tubes lines needle bottle this that uncle aunty.

I dont know how to calculate total feeding for peads well thats my fault cause that was taught to us like 5 minutes out of 1 months of class and I cant remember it. I dont know how to calculate the photo level, exchange tranfusion and all the shit for neonatal jaundice. Oh and now management for neonatal hypoglycaemia and this particular station during final pro exam osce fonally make sense now wtf!!

I seriously sound like an idiot. And out of sudden a MO suddenly shouted at me asking me did I know how to prepare for UVC? OF COURSE I SAY I DONT KNOW. Then she started saying: you dont know and you still dont want to learn? If next time i ask you to prepare uvc and you dont know how to prepare i will ask you start tagging back even you already off tag. Errrr... what????? Did I not want to learn? I did learn what to prepare when a few HO is discussing what to prepare and I was away because I went to take a mask because i wanna see they do the procedure!!! Being blame for what I did not do is so unacceptable! I am damn prepare to get scold if I did something wrong but not for things I did not do!!! Such a bitch!

Of course, day 8 now with 2 days off previously, not a good thing though cause i need to work until next friday to get off, which i need to work for next 11 days to get a pathetic 1 day off! Ya back to previous sentence, day 8 now and i finally know how to properly review a patient. Know how to do discharge form and memo and referal and know where the hell is x ray and patho lab, know how to prepare fucking shit procedure. I am sorry that i curse a lot on this post because i seriously need it!

And today! I am damn proud of myself for sucessfully did a sterile procedure, taking blood c&s from a freaking neonate!!! Thank you very much for the HO who helped and supported me. Esp Anu who endlessly being patience with me and teach me so much! She is always being so kind and willingly to teach anything. Then Koo who did not really communicate with me for pass few days, helped me prepare the things for c&s and tell me jia you har. Nearly give up after 1st try but then i tell myself that i should not give up so quickly. So i tried again and i dont know how but i get it! And Mesan who i felt she was arrogant at first is so willing to help me as well. Almost all of the HO are so helpful and being so patience with me. I am not sure if i myself have that level of toleration. They inspired me to become a better person. To be patience to others.

Wanted to cried whole day because of the freaking bitch who scolded me for things i didnt do. And today is like a shit day for me and feel like i am an idiot who dont know anything.

Hopefully someday later when i read back this post, i will feel myself as an idiot who did not know anything as well and i will laugh as such stupidity of me.

And to those who keep saying doctor is glamorous, rich, like to earn ppl money for nothing, such a money minded etc etc etc I will freaking slap their face! As they didnt see how we work like hell, even worst than a slave. No time to pee!!! What more about eat. No time for lunch or dinner! No time to sleep!!

Every morning i have to wake up at 6am and i wonder why i want to wake up as well. Because of the fucking self concious and responsibility in myself that make me sit up, walk into the bathroom and continue the rest of the day. Then work like hell and go through shit and came back at freaking hour like 11pm or 12 midnight and tired like what i dont know how to describe.

Now the cycle is like work-eat-sleep and the cycle repeat. I have no life.

I used to dont like sleep so much as i always will tell myself that wht need to sleep so much? We have so much time to sleep when we are dead so we should enjoy the life we have. well... some of these morning actually make me feel like dying and not wake up anymore because i can sleep like forever... well... thats the depressed part of me. I am actually torn in between... to be good or to be bad... and seeing sick ppl everyday is depressing as well. Seeing all the babies that suffer everday makes me dont feel like giving birth. Why bring them to this life and suffer? Maybe this is the hell we always thought of. We are living in hell and we dont realize it. This is the freaking dark side of me, and my angel will try to balance it back to normal.

I just hope that all this thing will be worth it... i hope i will laugh at myself for being so stupid and childish when i see back this, maybe few months or few years time.

So i need to sleep it off, forget everything and start a brand new day again tomorrow... i wish i can be better than the day before.

Goodnight!

today has been such a dark day

I just get to know that my grandma has just passed away......
Was on Skype 2 hours ago and mom says she and my dad might be going back to Sitiawan next week to visit her... Yet things happened.

I have no regret at all. At least I spend time and had a great time with her for past 2 years.

During last CNY, we roughly celebrate at all as she suffered from dementia. Then later found out that she suffered from ovarian cancer as she has sudden loss of weight.

Has been staying with her during my Pediatrics posting in Hospital Manjung for 4 months. Wasn't easy to stay with an elderly but I have make it. I have tried my best to be the best grandchild. I will bring her anywhere she wanted to go. I would say I treat her better than her child treated her. I am grateful that I went back to celebrate CNY with her every year, unlike some of her children.

The last time I saw her was during my 3 weeks holidays, roughly a month ago. My parents wanted to go back Sitiawan so I offer myself to drive them back. She was bedridden but she still recognise me. Sometime getting better, sometime worst.

In another way, I hope she go in peace with no suffer, especially having cancer at old age is just so suffering.
有时就是解脱。


And with the incidence of MH 370 flight, may everyone be safe.

MIVVA beauty box Christmas Edition

It is really sad to hear that MIVVA is going to stop it's beauty box and focus more on their online store. MIVVA is really the best beauty box compare to other which is available in the market currently. MIVVA beauty box Christmas Edition is going to be the last box for 2013.


I have deleted all the photos taken in my phone so I get all the photos from MIVVA website.





As you can see from photo above, Christmas edition box is so FULL!

Neuzell Oxyvene Bubble Cleanser 10ml

RM 89.90 for 100ml

I am using this currently as cleanser at night. My bottle has some pump problem but it's not a big deal. It is good as it has bubble but doesn't cause dryness to the face after using it. It is also effective on acne-prone skin.

URIAGE Gyn-Phy Feminine Wash

RM 24,90 for 200ml

No this is not a facial cleanser but a feminine wash!! hahaha! Luckily Fiona remind me before I used it. It is very gentle and the scent is acceptable. I got a 50ml from MIVVA box and I think it is totally sufficient for me to use one whole year! It only need pea-size amount for that area.

Redflo Hair Shampoo
RM 69.90 for 750ml


I get 2 sachets in my beauty box and this shampoo helps restore brittle, dull or dry hair. Everyone must have their hair problem and this shampoo helps to make hair more stronger and smoother.

 

Beautymate Cherry Blossom 2-in-1 Baby Skin Ultra Moisture Barrier Mask + Natural Care Moisturizing Peeling Gel
RM 9.90 for 1 piece mask & 2ml Peeling Gel


I have used the moisture barrier mask and I nearly throw away because I did not read about the peeling gel, luckily I read it before I throw it away. My face feel so moist after using it. Haven't use the feeling gel but I'll use it tonight!




Secretleaf Men Original Face Wash
RM 15.90 for 95ml


This is the first time we received a men's product. I gave it to my brother hopping he will give a good comment about it.




Miacare Acne Patch
RM 9.50 - RM 13.70


I have tried this product long before MIVVA box give us this sample. I would say it is effective on acne which is 'rippen', not for those which is too big.

SHAIRE LONDON Silk Classic COllection Hair Perfume (Dry Shampoo)
RM 35.90 for 60 ml


Although this is not the first time I heard about dry shampoo but it is the first time I am using it. I am so not use to it although it does make the hair feel fresh and clean, but I just need to wash my hair everyday. It is good to spray it on before leaving the house to make the hair look fresh.




Posh Foot & Body Lotion
RM 129 for 250ml


I have too many lotion to use after subscribing MIVVA box! It moisture and hydrate my skin very well.





Lastly, a loofah again from MIVVA box. Love it so much. and a mystery gift, which is a pair of earring but... I don't pierce my earlobe so I gave it to my sister.


Time passes so fast. I remember I subscribed first MIVVA box during Chinese New Year and now... MIVVA box going to ceased out... kinda sad... However, I enjoy very much during this year and get to know a lot different products and brands from MIVVA box. I truly wish them all the best!

Reflection

现在的孩子，真败家。

Was in Adidas shop today as my brother wanted to buy a sport shoes. Here came a father and a teenage son. The son was asking to buy an ipod thingy which cost around RM 100+ and the father was saying 'i don't have money!'. It was quite loud and my mom and I turn unintentionally and I think the father was embarrassed. I regretted that I turn and see.

At last, the teenager get what he wanted. I did not see his father anywhere nearby... How come a child can't understand their parents bitterness?  I will be so sad to be the father.

Well, the same thing happened to my brother as well. He wanted to buy a sport shoes and I tell him find a shoes that not more than RM 200. There are sales everywhere and you can easily get a sport shoes under Adidas or Nike just less than RM 200. But after looking around, he wants some shoes that is much more expensive. So I tell him either get it or leave it.

Then he started make sour face. Then my mom came and help him to find. I told my mom, just give him RM 250 and let him buy himself. If it exceed the budget then he just has to pay himself.

End up he got an Adidas worth RM 360! Wtf. Just because of his sour face? Seriously I was pissed... Like for 5 minutes. Mom was complaining how he spend but end up letting him spent as he like... How to teach if my mom behaving like that. I can't say anything because she is my mom and she got her own way of teaching. But if I were her, I will just give the amount that I think is appropriate and you just have to pay yourself if it exceed the budget. Seriously, you can just get a Bata sport shoes instead!

Teenager nowadays is so branded minded! I seriously was really afraid of these kind of people. My brother was asking for a Macbook Air, Ipad, new phone. Some times I just feel like give a slap on his face. How come he can't empathy my parents?

I am brand minded as well but I know I am not working and I do not earn any money yet so I don't ask for luxury things from my parents! If I want to buy something, I will pay with my savings. I bought my own phone when I work part time. If I want bags or cosmetics or skin care, I use my own saving money as well. I don't really ask extra money for things I want... I won an Ipad. If not, I never thought of owning one at all! I have all the money for beautybox is because I get monthly incentive from Themalaysiastreet.

Everytime I see these things, I'll reflect on myself and remind myself not to be someone like them. Can't they see the living cost is rising and parents are barely trying very hard to support a family, support their child to college or university, trying to pay insurance. Ending up how much they can save for a month to backup for emergencies like illness or accident?


Seriously, please, think! Be wise! Be understanding.


Sometimes I hate myself for being so understanding. Why can't I be 败家 as well?

MBBS Final Professional Examination Part 1

As the title above, I PASSED!





Nobody will ever know how it feels! I have go through so much for this. Nobody will understand how I feel day before exam, during exam and right before the result was announced!


We just finish our last paper today. Result was suppose to come out tomorrow. However, at 3pm, our batch leader suddenly ask us to come back to college because result will be announced at 4pm!!! I was so not prepared for that. I think I have panic attack.


I have phobia. It was all like 3 years back again, when I failed my first Professional exam, where I was left alone. Then I climb up myself. Did I ever thought of give up? Yes! Definitely! And the person who always stay beside me are my parents. Today is the day I repay them and myself. Nobody ever go through what I went through. Nobody know how deep I fall. I am lucky that I am able to climb up back, prove that I can do it.


Until I heard my matrix number being call out. It was such a relief. I wasn't confident at all. Of course I hope I passed but you will never know until it really happened.





Thank you very much for everyone who assist me along the journey. Thank you to my discussion group that really help me during discussion. I am sure I will not make it if I did not join the discussion group. I am glad that my housemate and I passed the exam all together. Even though we have argument and disagreement, we are still friends.




Coincidentally, we all wear green!!! We never planned it and did not even realize it until our batchmate point it out! Glad that we all passed! They sit beside me just like the arrangement you see in the photo. My name was called first. It was such a relief with palpitation. Then Wana's name was called, she broked down and cry on my shoulder. 3 minutes later, Deep's name was called and she also cry and hugged me. Then both of them was like crying and hugging me and Mr Hazem, our Surgery lecturer saw and he smiled......





There are a few who did not pass and I hope that they will passed their resit paper. I totally understand that because I have gone through it... Hope to see them in Sem 10.


Finally, I have 3 weeks holidays and finally I am able to celebrate Chinese New Year for 15 days straight!!!!!!

13-14

I am surprised that I did not blog on last day of 2013.

2013 had been very good to me, yet I still have ups and downs. I would like to conclude that it has more ups than downs...

First day of 2014, start off with ups and downs too. A lot choice to choose today.... To be happy or sad, to go or not to go, to be or not to be.

2014 will be a very important year for me. I don't do resolution because I don't believe in it. But this year, I wish I am able to graduate on June. More important, to pass my Professional Exam Part 1 in this coming 16th January. 2014, please be good on me. Let me pass then celebrate CNY like nobody business please. Then let me pass Professional Exam Part 2 in June. I really need this!

Today was a great day. I get to spent time with my friends, which more like family than friend. I am blessed to know Mei and her families and we are like family. Her brother, Shawn, cook all this for us! As if we won't be able to eat this again!

And my love! They are really special to me! I actually wish she is my daughter. 

Really miss the time we had especially our trip before their graduation.